Look, I'm not the biggest guy in the world. I get that. But that doesn't mean you will fit between me and whoever is sitting next to me on the subway, OK? Trust me, you don't. You do not fit in the nine inches or so of open bench space between me and the next passenger. Do not try. If you've got a bum leg or some disability that isn't immediately apparent, just let me know. You can have my seat. I'm cool like that.
And if you do feel compelled to wedge yourself into a space that a Barbie doll with an eating disorder couldn't squeeze into, please remember you are not some "seat vigilante" striking a blow against the rudeness of New York City subway riders. You're just a pain in the ass.
I'm glad we had a chance to have this little talk. Thanks.