A Blog Named Sue

Welcome back, to that same old place that you laughed about

By now you've probably all had your fill of stories about our fine nation's conservative stalwarts warning "real Americans" to stockpile weapons now before Obama can come and take them away or some nonsense like that. (My advice is to leave your gun under your pillow, so the automatic weapons fairy can come in the night and exchange it for a shiny new quarter.) They've already started in with the challenges to the legitmacy of the Obama presidency (based on what I have no idea) and calls for his impeachment. Impeaching Obama would be a good trick since he hasn't even been sworn in yet and therefore hasn't actually done anything. But I quibble.

While it certainly sounds as though the "movement" conservatives are mighty upset about the election of Barack Hussein Obama, I think I detect a certain amount of relief in their hysterical shriekings. Come on, wingers, admit it - didn't the Bush years just feel a little bit wrong to you? Wasn't it odd to be complaining about the nefarious liberals plotting all manner of secular humanist skullduggery when liberals, by and large, had no actual political power? With a virtual lock on all three branches of government, didn't it feel strange to say we liberals were going to tear down everything you hold dear? Wasn't there a little voice in the back of your head - kind of like the one guy at Lehman Brothers who  might have timidly suggested that staking the company's future on debts no one else wanted wasn't a great idea - that said, "Um, aren't we winning?"  Sure, the '06 midterms relieved some of that cognitive dissonance a bit and at least furnished you with Nancy Pelosi to kick around, but it wasn't quite enough was it?  Considering that your entire worldview is based on you being a persecuted minority, doesn't it feel good to have been kicked to the ideological curb? Doesn't it feel - like home?

Now, I realize home is a touchy subject for you these days, considering that many of you are fantasizing about seceding from the United States rather than follow President Obama. I'd prefer you didn't secede; I know a lot of very nice people who live in red states and I'd rather they not be there when your fledgling nation inevitably degrades into an atavistic shitstorm that makes Lord of the Flies look like a Jane Austen novel.

Besides, seceding would be an even better trick than impeaching a president who hasn't been sworn in yet, considering the amount of territory you can consider "yours." Take a look at this graphic from the New York Times that shows which areas of the country are trending Democratic vs. those that are trending Republican (click to enlarge):

Looks to me like "your" territory is disappearing faster than that of the Himalayan snow leopard. If you guys think you can forge a nation out of that little squiggle above the Gulf States that looks like the blotch on Gorbachev's head, well, be my guest.

With secession unlikely, I suppose you could consider emigration, but if even the United States is too left-wing for you these days I have no idea where you can go.  Uzbekistan?

Perhaps there is still some untamed wilderness left in the world you could claim as your own. By doing so, you'd be upholding a fine American tradition: remember, the first Puritans who came to Massachusetts did so because Restoration England just wasn't weird enough for them.

Or you could, you know, stay. A few years in the political wilderness might be good for the soul, and help you scrape off some your party's dead bark. And who knows? If things start working here in America again, you might actually decide you can live here after all.

Because I'm gross and I had ten minutes to kill

I sent you three boats!

I saw this Now story about swing voters in Virginia over the weekend. I think my favorite part is the woman at 8:40 into the video who says she's going to vote for McCain even though she knows Obama's economic policies will be better for her working class family - see, McCain is more "Christian." When asked if she's concerned for her family's future, she replies that she isn't, because, "... the Lord will take care of us."

Hey, lady, maybe he's taking care of you by sending you Obama. Ever think of that?

UPDATE: Apparently, the money shot from that Now report is on YouTube:

Words to thank for their positions

I realized something the other day about the John McCain's and Barack Obama's speaking styles. No doubt every other sentient being on Earth and even a few Republicans realized this months ago, but here you go anyway: When John McCain discusses what he will do as president, he always says things like, "I know how to save the economy," or "I know how to get Bin Laden," or "I will clean up Washington." Obama says, "We can make the changes we need to get America back on track," or "We can rise to the challenges we face."

My Lovely and Talented Seven-Year-Old Daughter Who is Smarter Than Me™ says, "Duh, Daddy! That's because McCain thinks everyone but him is stupid."

Maybe - I wouldn't try to read McCain's mind even if I had the ability. I think it's damp, dark and scary in there. But at the risk of dropping George Lakoff's name for 1,238,724,893rd time on the Internet, I think it does reflect the GOP's core marketing/campaign style - we're the Daddy party, we're gonna protect you from the big bad (insert name of largely fictional bugbear here). The problem is that if you're going to market someone as a savior, you need that someone to be up to the task. Frankly, McCain isn't that reassuring a presence and I think that's one of the reasons his campaign is floundering. (To a lesser degree, I think the Democrats tried to push Kerry as a savior figure in '04, and failed for much the same reason.) 

Of course, one of the digs the GOP always tries to make about Obama is that he's become something of a messianic figure for Democrats. I don't think that's entirely accurate; support for Obama among the Democrats I know isn't nearly as monolithic as Republicans like to think it is. Obama has created a core group of true believers, though. As I see it, this is because he has inspired those people to work for him rather than frightened them into following him. It's a different approach than we've seen in American politics lately, and I'll be interested to see if he can bring the same approach to governing.

Does whatever a SpiderObama can

Overheard at the Rite-Aid on 30th Avenue in Astoria; two boys, around 14 or so, trying on rubber Halloween masks:

"Yo, you should get the Bill Clinton mask. You look mad funny in the Bill Clinton mask."

"No, I'm getting Obama - you can do do stuff with the Obama mask, like wear it with other costumes. You can be BatObama, SpiderObama, SuperObama ... with Clinton you can just be, you know, Clinton."

Quick Hits

Still too busy to blog with substance, but a few things I wanted to spurt into the cyber-ethers:

-If one more person tells me that "All Sarah Palin has to do tonight is pronounce her own name correctly and remember to wear shoes and it will be a win for her" I'm going to kick them in the kneecaps. Hard. Everyone thinks Palin is a dolt, and managing to not drool on stage tonight won't make people suddenly think she's a born statesman. It will make people think she's somewhat less of a dolt. That's not a win.

Similarly, I'm tired of everyone theorizing on what Biden has to do to win. Know what he has to do to win? Shut the fuck up. Let her do the talking and stand back so he doesn't get splashed with stupid. The bar isn't low for Palin, it's low for Biden. If he doesn't walk across the stage and wank on her then it's a win for Biden.

-Warren Ellis links to this photo taken by his friend Melissa Gira:

The best part about that poster (at least for me) is that the artist who designed that Obama image, Shephard Fairey, is the same artist who designed the "Obey Giant" image they've mashed it up with:

Who knows? Maybe it's Fairey himself having a bit of fun - or some tiresome purist trying to stick it to him for "selling out."

Separated at Birth?

(Hat tip to Watertiger. Original McCain image: REUTERS/Brian Snyder. Nicked Peter Gabriel cover from here.)

Overheard

Actual conversation I overheard in a diner this morning:

GUY: This Palin stuff is hilarious. It's even funnier because she's, like, this religious nut.

GIRL BEHIND COUNTER: Oh, you mean like Jimmy Carter?

ME: Excuse me, but can I have an extra lump of cyanide in my tea over here?

Palin's Labyrinth

An anonymous source just leaked a copy of Joe Lieberman's RNC keynote speech to me, and I've got to tell you, it's a doozy. Just listen to this opening graph:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you tonight not pregnant. Totally and completely not pregnant. In fact, it's remarkable how not pregnant I am. In fact, no one's even ever suspected me of being pregnant. Just sayin'."

He speaks in maths, he buzzes like a fridge

Atrios directs us to this (admittedly hilarious) interview Time magazine did with John McCain. About halfway through the interview, McCain graces us with this bon mot:

I believe that the world is better off without Saddam Hussein. I believe it's clear that he had every intention to acquire and use weapons of mass destruction. I can only imagine what Saddam Hussein would be doing with the wealth he would acquire with oil at $110 and $120 a barrel.

First off, it's debatable that oil would have hit $120 a barrel if we hadn't invaded Iraq, destabilized the region and given all the speculators reason to completely lose their shit. But more importantly, even if we hadn't invaded and oil had gone that high, it's not bloody likely Saddam Hussein would have been doing anything with all his extra money - you may recall that Iraq's economy was completely gutted, thanks to the crippling sanctions program that was in place since the first Gulf War. (The only thing keeping Iraq going was the ill-fated "oil-for-food" programme.)

I swear, McCain's just saying whatever the hell pops into his head at this point.